I was a very thin, healthy and athletic kid. I even had some success with modeling, although, I was always told I should try and lose a few pounds. I danced during every waking hour that I wasn’t at school and I ate crap. It didn’t matter to me because I never gained a pound. On competition days, I would have my grandmother bring me a Chicken Nuggets Family Meal from McDonalds. I would put back both large french fries, all 20 nuggets and both cokes and then ask to stop for ice cream on the way home. But then I got older. Injuries plagued me and eventually I couldn’t keep up with the activity I loved. Unfortunately my diet didn’t change.
I was off to college where I drank a days worth of calories 4 out of 7 nights a week and ate a diet of pasta with cream sauces, fried chicken sandwiches, Ramen Noodles, and anything they served at “Fat Kids” (the name we lovingly called the campus dining hall). I walked around campus and even managed to fit in a few workout classes for credit, but that was the beginning of my weight struggle. I would crash diet before formals and my weight yo-yo’d a lot.
After college the walking stopped, the required workout classes stopped, and I got a sedentary job behind a desk. Sure, I have had some success with diets and workout fixations, but in the end, I always gained it all back and more. I have gained almost 100 pounds since I left for college. That’s 10 pounds a year.
Even though I don’t like to admit it, I know why I keep gaining the weight. It’s not because I can’t control what I eat. It’s not because I can’t get to the gym. It’s not because I don’t know what to do.
It’s because in my heart of hearts, I don’t believe I deserve it. I sabotage myself every time I commit to a health or fitness goal. Those issues are worthy of their own post, but for now let’s just say, I crave love from others, but I need to learn how to love myself first.
This year, I am finally saying enough is enough. I deserve more. I deserve to be healthy. I deserve to be happy with the person I see in the mirror and most of all, I deserve the incredible life I have been denying myself.
I got a Kate Spade Idiom Bracelet for Christmas that says “This is the Year”. Those 4 words have become my mantra.
This is the year I lose the weight.
This is the year I will learn to be proud of myself.
This is the year I will try new things.
This is the year I will grow my faith.
This is the year I will drink more water and give up soda.
This is the year I will get more involved with my community.
Damn it, this is the year!