Ashley in Wonderland

Have you ever woken up one morning and said, “Oh, there I am!”?  That happened to me a couple weeks ago.  You see I moved to California, completely on my own, with a mission.  I was trying to find myself.  I fell down the rabbits hole for a few years.  I wasn’t sure who I was, when I was simply struggling to be anybody.

But being on my own has done everything that I wanted it to.  It forced me to get to know myself.  It forced me to think, to write and to figure out what I want.  It’s taught me to trust myself again- to trust my gut.  It’s allowed me to see all of the incredible blessings that make up my life! Blessings that had been clouded by self doubt.  Independence, solitude and adventure are priceless when it comes to self discovery.  It’s as if my spirit was kidnapped by self doubt, but time finally helped set my spirit free.

 I know it’s going to sound superficial, but I think this inner change has something to do with the girl I see in the mirror.  After over three years, I see myself again.  You can take that literally and metaphorically.  I dyed my hair back to it’s natural color.  A color that I changed when I didn’t want to have the life I was living anymore.  I realized a few weeks back that I missed it, something inside me longed to see myself in the mirror again.  Dying my hair was more than  just a refresher to my look,  it refreshed my soul.  It also made me realized, I’m done coping.  I’m done pretending.  Pretending to be okay with everything that has happened.  Now I really am okay.  I still question myself. The difference is that now I seem to be okay with admitting that I don’t have all the answers.  I’m not sure if that comes with resolve or with maturity.  Either way, I’m excited to be looking and feeling like the girl grew up with in the mirror.

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