Some days you are just driving along and your mind is dancing from thought to random thought, when a memory unearths itself from the caverns of your mind and you feel an instant ache in your chest, reminiscent of the instant that moment turned into memory. It’s as if for just a couple second your heart is breaking all over again.
For me the memory itself wasn’t the sad part. It was of a happy, young girl who had no idea how jaded that day would seem just a little over a year later. The ache in my heart was for the pain that happy girl would feel all too soon.
Sometimes I miss that girl. She had the life she planned on. Everything was moving along just right. She had masked her fears enough to radiate a happy life, full of love and adventure. She was exactly where she expected to be. She had a perfect day, the day she always dreamed she would have.
She was blissfully naive. She didn’t believe in divorce, especially for herself. Her love was true and would last forever. She was insecure, had a short fuse and didn’t truly understand the value of the people in her life.
One day that girl disappeared. Her perfect life plan shattered. Her self understanding demolished. Her pain and her fears were unceremoniously exposed. She was a barely functioning shell of a human being. She was as lost as anyone could be.
I don’t miss that girl.
Today, certain memories still make it feel as if my heart is breaking all over again. Luckily now the pain disappears in seconds instead of months. I wonder when the pain will disappear entirely- just like that naive girl did. But when I really think about it, I don’t want it to disappear completely. Somehow the pain proves how much I loved him. Somehow the pain feels like an earned battle wound. Somehow the pain feels reassuring. Reassuring that it did matter and it was special, even if it wasn’t meant for forever.
I went to the gym to get all those pesky memories out of my head and as the sweat push those moments back into their cavern, a song came on that reminded me that every day I get a little bit stronger. Thanks Sara Evans.
Someday, I’ll be driving along and my mind will be dancing from thought to thought and instead if chest pain I hope I’ll smile because those memories got me onto the exact path I was suppose to be on.
I can’t wait to see who is walking that path with me.